Wear the Pants!

I have spent a great deal of time lately looking at other 'manly' blogs, trying to find sites that call men into manhood, that train men how to take up spiritual arms, that encourage men to get off the side lines and into the game. There are a few that I have found that are truly encouraging, but not as many as I would have expected. In my searching, I came across a post someone did based on a Docker's print ad which was truly shocking. Docker's gets the truth that men are absent from our society, and they make pretty bold claims in this ad. Now, certainly they use humor alongside the truth or it would be a public service announcement and not a promotion to sell khakis. But don't miss the forest for the trees... there are some crazy statements in this thing. Here is the ad, and I have typed out the text below in case you can't read the image.

"Once upon a time, Men wore the pants, and wore them well. Women rarely had to open doors and little old ladies never crossed the street alone. Men took charge because that's what they did. But somewhere along the way, the world decided it no longer needed men. Disco by disco, latte by foamy non-fat latte, men were stripped of their khakis and left stranded on the road between boyhood and androgyny. But today, there are questions our genderless society has no answers for. The world sits idly by as cities crumble, children misbehave, and those little old ladies remain on one side of the street. For the first time since bad guys, we need heroes. We need grown-ups. We need men to put down the plastic fork, step away from the salad bar and untie the world from the tracks of complacency. It's time to get your hands dirty. It's time to answer the call of manhood. It's time to Wear The Pants."

The statements that really stood out to me were:
 - But somewhere along the way, the world decided it no longer needed men.
 - Today, there are questions our genderless society has no answers for.
 - For the first time since bad guys, we need heroes. We need grown-ups.
 - We need men to ... untie the world from the tracks of complacency. (the joke here about the salad bar really takes away the impact of the truth in this statement, so I took it out for this purpose)

Even now, after reading it over and over, I am stunned at the truths in this paragraph. Where are the men? Even Dockers recognizes the trouble in our society. They are right on... It's Time to Answer the Call of Manhood. We need to take initiative, to speak truth, to walk humbly and wisely, to be active and not passive. We need to wear the pants... even if they aren't khakis.

Courage

When we see epic movies (i.e. Lord of the Rings, Batman, Band of Brothers, etc.) one of the things that make them so powerful is the main characters in the films. On some level we compare and contrast the leading characters with ourselves - would I do that? would I go after that bad guy? would I fight for the woman I love? would I stand up for what is right and just? would I uphold my family's honor? These and other questions are played out in countless movies, plays and stories. The journey that the characters take is a journey which intrigues us, hooks us, and pulls us along with them.

I think one of the pervasive (although sometimes unnoticed) characteristics that is interwoven in the great stories is Courage. Life takes so much courage... Scene by scene, we see courage played out for us on the big screen: Bilbo takes the first step out the door, Bruce Wayne suits up once again fighting on two fronts - against the evil in Gotham City and the misguided beliefs of its citizens believing him to be a menace, then we see soldiers jump out of airplanes, raid enemy camps, lead patrols, we  see knights ride into battle with their swords drawn... Courage is Epic. Is your life epic? Do you feel you exemplify courage in your life? I admit that I don't often feel this way... and yet I long for it, don't you?

For me I am learning that courage is displayed in so many small things of my life. I may not charge the enemy mounted on a horse weighted down by 100 pounds of chain mail and armor, but that doesn't' mean I am not called to be courageous where I am. For me it takes courage to lead my wife in spiritual discussions, pray with and for her and my son, confront her when she is believing lies about herself, apologize and ask for forgiveness when I am an idiot, challenge someone in sin, share my faith, speak a word of truth in a difficult situation, trust God with my finances, own up to my mistakes, open up to someone new and share my story, take a look at myself and how selfish I really am... the list could go on and on... Courage is something I do need a lot of, and the important stuff in life often doesn't come easily.

I mentioned a few posts ago that I have been going to outpatient counseling to help work through some of my core beliefs. Each time I would go, or when I found myself facing the belief which was so powerful in my heart and mind... I felt the Holy Spirit speak this word to my soul - "courage". This became my mantra when I was faced with the ugly truth about my heart - "courage". I continued to feel the Spirit speak this word to me when I disputed lies, shared openly with my counselor or tried something new. One night in bed, my wife and I were talking about all the potential changes we faced this year and she said to me she had been thinking of a theme for our year... She said she thought it should be "courage" - my jaw dropped and I literally burst into tears. I told her how I had been using this word as a theme for my own journey and the Spirit had really impressed it upon my heart. We laughed and cried together about how the Lord does this stuff in our life.

I encourage you to take a look at your own life and see where you could try and show a bit more courage. Ask the Lord for strength. It is often the things in life of eternal significance that take the most courage.

Being Let Down... Part of My Own Journey

I was looking forward to a weekend with my Dad and a few of his friends. My bags were packed and I was ready to set out. What could be better than camping in the woods with a fire, steak, guns, and a couple of beers, right? So tell me why I left Sunday feeling empty and weighed down?

I don't think it's because I didn't have a great time... I don't think it's because I didn't enjoy hanging out with my dad... I don't think it's because I had paperwork waiting for me when I got home... I think I was reminded once again that I didn't fit the world's mold concerning manliness, and I left feeling discouraged.

In Gordon Dalbey's book, Healing the Masculine Soul (probably my all time-favorite and the most influential book of my life), he makes the claim that men bestow masculinity on other men. The father's role is so critical in his young son's life, and in homes where the father doesn't bestow this vital attribute on his son (either through physical or emotional absence), he leaves behind in the wake a displaced and broken son. Now, those sons can find ways to seek out masculinity and some have success, but it is a difficult road. Some overcompensate for their undeveloped or confused masculine identity, hiding the insecurities they bury inside. The truth is there is usually a wound there... This was me...

I physically had my father in my home, but for some reason, we didn't connect when I was growing up... or at least not in the masculine-bestowing, important ways. I guess I was a mama's boy - more emotional and creative, empathetic, always trying to befriend those who were outcasts, and trying to put an end to arguments or disputes. The truth is I was hurt. I searched for masculinity and found it foreign and in some ways undesirable. I tried to do things to make my dad proud of me... I tried hunting, fishing, golf, soccer, getting good grades... none of these things mended that relationship or brought me fulfillment or success. I have a lot of memories of feeling hurt and left out... one is still so vivid I still feel like that little kid...

I was probably 11, and we were at our family's cabin (not really a cabin, but we called it that). I grew up shooting .22 rifles at beer and soda cans, and that day I was going to shoot the big gun - my dad's .410 shotgun. I was bundled up in layers upon layers, wearing a big heavy coat... I was filled with anticipation. I was scared... but I wanted to be a man, and I wanted my dad to be proud of me. I pulled the trigger... the sound and the kick the gun produced really scared me... I started crying... my dad waved me off as if to say I was worthless, then turned around and walked away. I felt worthless... I felt like a failure... (hello core belief) I continued crying and ran inside to my mom... That is the only time I have ever shot a .410. It was only last year that I shot another shotgun, and I will be 29 this year.

I am still dealing with that loss today - and it is a loss.

About 10 years ago, after reading Dalbey's book, I felt I needed to confront my dad about his lack of involvement, and his failure to call me into manhood and instill confidence in me. I don't know how I ever did it, but I did. I also know how lucky I am that his response wasn't a right hook. We cried... and cried... and hugged, and that moment changed both my life and our relationship. My dad still at times doesn't understand how to call me into manhood, but he is more intentional about telling me how proud he is of me, and we really enjoy connecting by hanging out, working on cars, or sharing a beer or a cigar (all of which I tried in attempts to connect with him).

Fast forward to this weekend... everything was going fine, I was excited but also filled with emotion, as I was driving my granddad's car (he passed away a few months ago) to that same family cabin from the story above. I didn't know whether to laugh or cry... The day went well... we were assessing the cabin to see what needed to be done to fix it up, then we headed back to his friend's property a few hours away to spend the night. Everything was going great, I was really enjoying myself, but then things changed. The more my dad and his friends drank, the more vulgar and crude they got. They pulled out a deck of cards which exploited a different naked girl on each card... I was done. I went to bed. I put ear plugs in but I could still hear pretty much everything they said; I got out my phone and started up a white-noise app, pressing the phone up to my ear - this was how I slept. The next day, something just seemed different... My expectations had been shot to pieces (no pun intended).

When talking through this with a friend, he pointed out I may have subconsciously viewed this as a chance to redeem myself from my experience as an 11 year-old boy. In many ways I feel that I did kind of expect that. I wanted to fit in and be 'one of the guys' but I realized the man I keep trying to be isn't the man I am called to be. When I am not careful, I forget my dad is like me - wounded. Objectively, I can see he was just trying to fit in with his friends, after all this is how he 'did' manliness growing up. I am saddened and hurt for my dad at times like this.

I have edited and read through this countless times... talked about it with my wife and a close friend as I already mentioned. I am sensitive to the fact that this is pretty raw and the last thing I want to do is make my dad out to be the villain. He is NOT the villain. I love my dad and am thankful for all the wonderful things he has taught me. He has modeled honesty, integrity, abundant generosity, and a hard work ethic, to name a few. I know many others did not have their father at all, and to those guys, I hope that this post doesn't make me sound ungrateful that I did have my dad... As I mentioned before, my dad and I have addressed a lot of these things, and so I'm not going behind his back posting stuff about him out of vengeance or anything. I do, however, know that other men have similar experiences and this is my attempt at sharing a raw event which reminded me that when we expect perfection and fulfillment in anyone other than the GodMan, we will be let down.

Was Jesus Manly?

When you close your eyes and think of Jesus what image do you see? (Some may say it is wrong to try and picture Jesus, but personally I don't understand why He would have taken on flesh if it was sinful to try and imagine what he might have looked like.) I ask this question because Jesus is the God-Man, the epitome of deity made flesh. Isn't it right to assume we can look to the person of Jesus to find the truth about manhood and masculinity. Odds are that your image of Jesus doesn't come across as very masculine. Jesus is so misrepresented, it is unlikely many men want to look to the person of Jesus Christ on their journey into manhood. 

I did a Google image search for "Jesus", and got some very interesting results. Here are a few that I found - I feel overall they represent much of what is perceived of Jesus. Below each image, I am adding captions of the characteristics I see about Jesus physical appearance in the paintings.

feminine, flowing locks, rosy cheeks, blue eyes, clean, bored?

blonde hair, pale skin, short beard, blue eyes, European, peaceful, pensive

longing eyes, same weird beard and mustache, long flowing hair, intense, tired

less feminine, long hair and beard, European, bold, intense, caring, proud

angry, unapproachable, intense, still Caucasian

No painting has/can capture our Jesus, but images can certainly lead us astray on what we perceive Him to be. I was able to find (fairly easily) some videos I remember watching in college about the misperceptions of Jesus. It is actually several clips from various movies about Jesus but placed together in one longer video. The second one begins at 3:18, and an interesting part begins at 5:40. These are meant to be comical, but really convey some grave misconceptions about the man Jesus. 

Many people view Jesus as a Caucasian and feminine man, who floated around speaking softly, and rarely showing emotion. He would just reach out ever so calmly and heal someone, or peacefully confront the lack of faith in others... I am sure you could add so many misperceptions to this list.

 So who is Jesus? I think this question is so vital to your soul and mine. I do not think we can grow into the men God created us to be without answering that question. I am understanding that the answer to that question is part of this journey I am on now. 

I was pointed to a book by Philip Yancey entitled, The Jesus I Never Knew. I started reading it a few days ago, and I think it is really amazing. I hope to chronicle a few things I learn from the book as I progress through it. 

We can craft and shape Jesus into the image we want Him to be, or we can look to His Word, primarily the Gospels to see more of Him. Let us not bypass this part of the journey, but take the effort to see what the inspired Word claims about this Jesus. 

The Battle In My Mind

Despite what you may have thought after reading the title of this post, this entry is not talking about purity or keeping my mind out of the gutter. There is a different battle that occurs in our minds - a battle of epic proportions. What I have been learning over the past year and a half or so, is that all our actions (and many of our thoughts) are driven by a few specific beliefs. These beliefs are aptly named 'core beliefs' and they dictate the way we 'do life'. These suckers are VERY powerful. Why are they so powerful you ask? Simply because you probably aren't aware they exist. When you don't know they exist, then you are in a battle you don't even know about.

picture taken from an article on social-brain.com

This image I found online offered a glimpse into this principle. Unarmed, and unprepared, we face a vicious enemy who enjoys it when we succumb to his lies. Let's face it, when it comes to our thought lives, we are typically passive, not active. I mean, how often do we think about our thoughts - really stop and think, "where did that come from?", or "is that really true?".

I am sure I will write more about men as warriors, but for now suffice it to say we are not bystanders - bystanders are passive. We are called to action. 2 Corinthians 10:4-5 make this clear: "For the weapons of our warfare are not of the flesh but have divine power to destroy strongholds. We destroy arguments and every lofty opinion raised against the knowledge of God, and take every thought captive to obey Christ..."  The two phrases that really stick out to me in this passage are, "have divine power to destroy arguments" and "take every thought captive to obey Christ" - these don't happen when we are oblivious to the battle... they don't happen if we are passive. 

I have been going to counseling for the past few months, and come to realize I was oblivious to this battle taking place in my mind. It has crippled me from living the life I was created to live. It  has hindered my relationships with my friends, my family, my wife, my colleagues, has limited my ability to succeed in my job, has stifled my spiritual growth, and has left me feeling lonely and useless. I have felt I needed to see a counselor for a few years, and have resisted going. I feel that the Lord has been preparing me for this very time, and is bringing about a big change in my life. The change starts in my mind. Recognizing the core beliefs that drive my actions was the first step. Exposing the lies that are hurled at me is taking an active role in this battle. When I am unaware of what is taking place, I am passive in my thought life, and am struck down, strung along, tossed about... When I engage in the battle, I still lose sometimes. But there is no victory for the daydreaming warrior.

When I am aware of the battle and take an active role, I begin to fight like the man I am called to be. We men are called to action, called to take the gospel seriously in our lives, called to lead our families. We are called to 'take every thought captive' and submit it to the Truth of the Gospel.

So, what do I do? Start by asking yourself, "What is the message that is ruling my life"? What do you believe about yourself that shapes your actions and emotions. A good place to start is reflecting on situations, comments, or circumstances that elicit a strong emotional response. Guilt, anger, fear, disappointment - these emotions may be the starting place to look deeper and determine what those core beliefs are.

One of my main core beliefs is that I am a failure, and when something doesn't go how I think it should or I expected it to, I often respond feeling guilty and ready to throw in the towel. This plays out in so many ways (follow up post?) but one example could be the never-ending list of house projects I have to get done. Lets say I have to patch the drywall in our semi-finished attic, and it takes longer than I anticipate. Even though I may have spent hours working on it, and have 5 of the 7 (hypothetical) steps done on the project, I leave feeling like a failure because I set out to finish something that is unfinished. This results in frustration and feelings of failure, and reinforces the core belief that I am, in fact, a failure. Am I a failure? No! I got 5 steps done and worked hard for hours... Thus the active role I have in disputing the thinking error, works to destroy the core belief and expose it for what it is - a lie...

As you search to see what your core beliefs may be, pray and ask the Lord to show you what you believe about yourself that rules your emotions, your actions, your beliefs. Take your thoughts captive and examine them for truth...

The Friendless Male

When I think back to college, one thing always floods my mind, and leaves me longing for those brief, but life-changing years in my life - so many meaningful male friendships. Maybe it's just me, but I think I am correct in assuming that the relationships we build in college are unlike any others for the rest of our lives. I lived on campus for all four years of my undergraduate degree (which I know is unique compared to some), but one thing I remember was always having access to other guys at any time, day or night. If I had something that was bothering me, or something incredible to share, I had dozens of different men in my life to share it with. Well, college is over, and while I have a handful of those guys that I keep in touch with, for the most part things are drastically different in my life.

For me, these friendships were some of the first meaningful male relationships I had in my life. The truth is, I wonder why it is so hard for men in our country to develop these lasting friendships. Somewhere we as culture have detoured from what I believe we were intended to experience - camaraderie. Does this word resonate in your soul as it does mine? Do you wish you experienced it in your own life, and ever find yourself feeling frustrated and empty?

When I hear that word, camaraderie, I immediately associate it with the military. Not being in the military myself, I assume that it begins as a naturally occurring phenomenon when men are banded together and forced to trust and rely on each other through the worst of experiences. More than this however, friendships naturally build for some which reinforce and flesh it out. My grandfather was in the Air Force during the Korean War, and I have heard and treasure some of his stories of those experiences.
This picture to the right was taken of him and one of his buddies during that time (he is on the right in the picture) and I have a copy sitting on the desk in the entryway to my home. It says to me - honor, courage, dedication, manliness.

So what if we aren't in the military? Can we expect to have camaraderie in our lives? Is it important? I think yes it is vitally important and we must find a way to build it into our lives or we lack an important part of who we were designed to be.


There are a number of Hurdles we face as we try to develop meaningful male relationships in our lives. Maybe you have experienced one or all of these in your interactions with other guys:

Hurdle #1: Lack of interest from others. Some guys are content to never go deeper than what's going on at work or whether you caught last week's game on tv. It could be that to them this truly is meaningful conversation (more concrete thinkers). The truth is, that a lot of men don't think male friendships are important and therefore don't make them a priority.

Hurdle #2: Insecurities. I think a good majority of men are afraid of having an 'emotional' conversation with another guy... "it just isn't right, it might make me look feminine". Fear drives these men to isolation and shallow relationships.

Hurdle #3: Lack of guys in our social circles. As I mentioned above, college provided a very unique environment where guys were placed/forced together in a dorm. After college, between the wife, kids, and extended family, a lot of men don't interact with many guys outside of their job. When they do, there are likely very few avenues in those situations to develop friendships/relationships. Couple the lack of manly interaction with Hurdles 1 or 2, and the odds of developing these relationships are even less likely.

Hurdle #4: Lack of example in other men's lives. How many people can say that their fathers, brothers, or other men in their lives experience true camaraderie with other men? Maybe men just don't pursue these relationships because they don't know the benefit of them.

Biblically, we have examples of friendships between men: David and Jonathan, Jesus and Lazarus, Jesus and His disciples (but especially Peter, James and John), Paul and Barnabas/Silas/Timothy. Someone said to me once (don't know how true it is, but it is an intriguing thought) that God's statement regarding Adam in the Garden of Eden, "it is not good that man should be alone" wasn't just referring to or resolved by his relationship with Eve; Adam was created with a need for fellowship - both with God and with other created beings.

It is in fellowship with other men that we are able to really live the Christian life - we are encouraged to bear one another's burdens, exhort one another to good works, call out sin in each other's lives, pray for one another, and serve one another among other things. How are we able to do this when we just talk about work or the latest sporting event? Compared to our culture's standards, this list doesn't seem very 'masculine' and sounds fairly emotional. Hmm... you decide.

The 'Narrow Little Road' to an Identity

Our pastor today was talking about the “narrow little road” which leads to life, and how easy it is to take the exit ramp off that road pursuing any number of distractions. These distractions can be our feelings (searching for happiness or pleasure can lead us off the narrow road), dreams, ideas, relationships or even our identity. I admit that I am easily distracted by these things and often look up and wonder, “How did I get here”? When I considered starting this blog, I looked around at other ‘manly’ blogs to get some ideas and to see if there was anything like what I was picturing for my own blog. I quickly found a number of sites that indicated in cleverly designed fonts and illustrations what it took to be a man. I was hooked… I wanted to read more… what does it take to be a man? I realized quickly this time (thankfully) that I won’t find what it means to be a man on any site that doesn’t point me to the person of Jesus Christ. It is in Him I find my purpose and identity.

It has taken me a long time to understand what that means… I have spent so long feeling guilty for not fitting in the manly ‘mold’, thinking something must be wrong with me. Sure, I like to use power tools, shoot my handgun, go camping, make love to my wife, smoke an occasional cigar and enjoy a good beer, but somehow all that is empty; those things don’t make me a man, although they seem to have inherent manly value. The other things I enjoy, art, music, knitting, baking, reading, deep discussions, and a good hug don’t convey the idea, “I’m a man” - herein lies the crux of the problem – I don’t fit a mold. Does this mean I am not a man? Does this mean I am crippled as I go through life lost, and defeated? For a long time I thought the answer to that was “yes”.

I am learning that my identity can’t be found in those things, but must be grounded in the Truth. Jesus claimed He was THE way, THE truth, and THE life.  Being grounded in Him and His plan/rules for my life is where I need to be. When I am grounded in Him, I won’t take those exit ramps nearly as quickly, or if I do, I will realize the mistake and by God’s grace get back on the narrow road, which is the path to LIFE.