Dealing with Disappointment

It's been a while since I wrote my last post... believe me it's been on my mind. I have wrestled with it for a long time, and was never sure what I would write. It's ironic that my blog is called This Manly Journey, when I have felt utterly lost/aimless these past few months. I think I have wrestled with confusion, disappointment, and maybe some frustration... with God. It's hard to even admit this... I mean who says that out loud?

My wife and I have been pursuing a relocation to Iowa we felt the Lord was calling us to. My wife's family lives there and we were hoping to have some land and a slower pace of life for a while, especially while my son is still young. We spent a lot of time in prayer about it, and took the necessary steps to get out house ready for the market. It was a big leap of faith to actually list the house; we had spent almost a year talking and praying about this move, and we were a bit fearful to move forward. I realize now that the subconscious expectations were that if we took that leap of faith, then things would work out like I had them planned and in my timing. I have struggled to understand why our house hasn't sold after we felt so sure that it would.

To further complicate things, we are down to one income now. My wife was a director at a local Supportive Employment Company and was critical to the operation of the company. When we decided we should move ahead and take the steps necessary to move, my wife went and explained the situation to her superiors. They graciously allowed her to stay on for several months and develop a plan to hire and train a replacement. After some time, they needed to set an end date for my wife's position, and that date has come and gone... September 12th my wife stopped working. Since we have been married, we have always had two incomes, and have lived a life that reflected two incomes. Honestly I didn't think it would come to this point; I just assumed that our house would sell beforehand and we would be relocating to Iowa like we planned.

As the date kept getting closer and closer, I started to panic. I felt myself clutching to control anything about the process I could. I suddenly got very tight with our budget out of sheer panic, and wouldn't let my wife spend money on anything. This of course affected my marriage, and my walk with the Lord. I didn't realize it at first, but bitterness and frustration were setting in. Why didn't God allow our house to sell if we were faithful in responding to His call?

I'm a very black and white thinker - I like to be committed one way or the other and have a lot of difficulty pursuing more than one thing at once. This especially shows at work. I am either in, or I am out... committed to my job or looking for something else. I struggle when I am in the grey middle ground of uncertainty. This is where I have been dropped the past few months though... uncertainty.

Have I had a breakthrough of clarity? No, not really. But I think I am starting to see God's hand in this situation now. As I allow myself to turn to Him, I am seeing His work in my life. It is hard to remember that God is still in control and that His plan is better than mine. It is hard to trust that He wants what's best for me and my family. It is hard to trust sometimes that He loves me and desires to know me intimately. Are these things true? Absolutely... So what does this boil down to? A lack of faith in God's character and of His promises to me. It's sin. It's an unbelieving heart.

I find myself constantly comparing myself to others, and then when I do so, I limit what I will attempt for God because I feel unworthy, ill-equipped, unprepared, and ultimately guilty that I'm not further along on this "journey" than I am.

Courage

When we see epic movies (i.e. Lord of the Rings, Batman, Band of Brothers, etc.) one of the things that make them so powerful is the main characters in the films. On some level we compare and contrast the leading characters with ourselves - would I do that? would I go after that bad guy? would I fight for the woman I love? would I stand up for what is right and just? would I uphold my family's honor? These and other questions are played out in countless movies, plays and stories. The journey that the characters take is a journey which intrigues us, hooks us, and pulls us along with them.

I think one of the pervasive (although sometimes unnoticed) characteristics that is interwoven in the great stories is Courage. Life takes so much courage... Scene by scene, we see courage played out for us on the big screen: Bilbo takes the first step out the door, Bruce Wayne suits up once again fighting on two fronts - against the evil in Gotham City and the misguided beliefs of its citizens believing him to be a menace, then we see soldiers jump out of airplanes, raid enemy camps, lead patrols, we  see knights ride into battle with their swords drawn... Courage is Epic. Is your life epic? Do you feel you exemplify courage in your life? I admit that I don't often feel this way... and yet I long for it, don't you?

For me I am learning that courage is displayed in so many small things of my life. I may not charge the enemy mounted on a horse weighted down by 100 pounds of chain mail and armor, but that doesn't' mean I am not called to be courageous where I am. For me it takes courage to lead my wife in spiritual discussions, pray with and for her and my son, confront her when she is believing lies about herself, apologize and ask for forgiveness when I am an idiot, challenge someone in sin, share my faith, speak a word of truth in a difficult situation, trust God with my finances, own up to my mistakes, open up to someone new and share my story, take a look at myself and how selfish I really am... the list could go on and on... Courage is something I do need a lot of, and the important stuff in life often doesn't come easily.

I mentioned a few posts ago that I have been going to outpatient counseling to help work through some of my core beliefs. Each time I would go, or when I found myself facing the belief which was so powerful in my heart and mind... I felt the Holy Spirit speak this word to my soul - "courage". This became my mantra when I was faced with the ugly truth about my heart - "courage". I continued to feel the Spirit speak this word to me when I disputed lies, shared openly with my counselor or tried something new. One night in bed, my wife and I were talking about all the potential changes we faced this year and she said to me she had been thinking of a theme for our year... She said she thought it should be "courage" - my jaw dropped and I literally burst into tears. I told her how I had been using this word as a theme for my own journey and the Spirit had really impressed it upon my heart. We laughed and cried together about how the Lord does this stuff in our life.

I encourage you to take a look at your own life and see where you could try and show a bit more courage. Ask the Lord for strength. It is often the things in life of eternal significance that take the most courage.