Dealing with Disappointment

It's been a while since I wrote my last post... believe me it's been on my mind. I have wrestled with it for a long time, and was never sure what I would write. It's ironic that my blog is called This Manly Journey, when I have felt utterly lost/aimless these past few months. I think I have wrestled with confusion, disappointment, and maybe some frustration... with God. It's hard to even admit this... I mean who says that out loud?

My wife and I have been pursuing a relocation to Iowa we felt the Lord was calling us to. My wife's family lives there and we were hoping to have some land and a slower pace of life for a while, especially while my son is still young. We spent a lot of time in prayer about it, and took the necessary steps to get out house ready for the market. It was a big leap of faith to actually list the house; we had spent almost a year talking and praying about this move, and we were a bit fearful to move forward. I realize now that the subconscious expectations were that if we took that leap of faith, then things would work out like I had them planned and in my timing. I have struggled to understand why our house hasn't sold after we felt so sure that it would.

To further complicate things, we are down to one income now. My wife was a director at a local Supportive Employment Company and was critical to the operation of the company. When we decided we should move ahead and take the steps necessary to move, my wife went and explained the situation to her superiors. They graciously allowed her to stay on for several months and develop a plan to hire and train a replacement. After some time, they needed to set an end date for my wife's position, and that date has come and gone... September 12th my wife stopped working. Since we have been married, we have always had two incomes, and have lived a life that reflected two incomes. Honestly I didn't think it would come to this point; I just assumed that our house would sell beforehand and we would be relocating to Iowa like we planned.

As the date kept getting closer and closer, I started to panic. I felt myself clutching to control anything about the process I could. I suddenly got very tight with our budget out of sheer panic, and wouldn't let my wife spend money on anything. This of course affected my marriage, and my walk with the Lord. I didn't realize it at first, but bitterness and frustration were setting in. Why didn't God allow our house to sell if we were faithful in responding to His call?

I'm a very black and white thinker - I like to be committed one way or the other and have a lot of difficulty pursuing more than one thing at once. This especially shows at work. I am either in, or I am out... committed to my job or looking for something else. I struggle when I am in the grey middle ground of uncertainty. This is where I have been dropped the past few months though... uncertainty.

Have I had a breakthrough of clarity? No, not really. But I think I am starting to see God's hand in this situation now. As I allow myself to turn to Him, I am seeing His work in my life. It is hard to remember that God is still in control and that His plan is better than mine. It is hard to trust that He wants what's best for me and my family. It is hard to trust sometimes that He loves me and desires to know me intimately. Are these things true? Absolutely... So what does this boil down to? A lack of faith in God's character and of His promises to me. It's sin. It's an unbelieving heart.

I find myself constantly comparing myself to others, and then when I do so, I limit what I will attempt for God because I feel unworthy, ill-equipped, unprepared, and ultimately guilty that I'm not further along on this "journey" than I am.

The 'Narrow Little Road' to an Identity

Our pastor today was talking about the “narrow little road” which leads to life, and how easy it is to take the exit ramp off that road pursuing any number of distractions. These distractions can be our feelings (searching for happiness or pleasure can lead us off the narrow road), dreams, ideas, relationships or even our identity. I admit that I am easily distracted by these things and often look up and wonder, “How did I get here”? When I considered starting this blog, I looked around at other ‘manly’ blogs to get some ideas and to see if there was anything like what I was picturing for my own blog. I quickly found a number of sites that indicated in cleverly designed fonts and illustrations what it took to be a man. I was hooked… I wanted to read more… what does it take to be a man? I realized quickly this time (thankfully) that I won’t find what it means to be a man on any site that doesn’t point me to the person of Jesus Christ. It is in Him I find my purpose and identity.

It has taken me a long time to understand what that means… I have spent so long feeling guilty for not fitting in the manly ‘mold’, thinking something must be wrong with me. Sure, I like to use power tools, shoot my handgun, go camping, make love to my wife, smoke an occasional cigar and enjoy a good beer, but somehow all that is empty; those things don’t make me a man, although they seem to have inherent manly value. The other things I enjoy, art, music, knitting, baking, reading, deep discussions, and a good hug don’t convey the idea, “I’m a man” - herein lies the crux of the problem – I don’t fit a mold. Does this mean I am not a man? Does this mean I am crippled as I go through life lost, and defeated? For a long time I thought the answer to that was “yes”.

I am learning that my identity can’t be found in those things, but must be grounded in the Truth. Jesus claimed He was THE way, THE truth, and THE life.  Being grounded in Him and His plan/rules for my life is where I need to be. When I am grounded in Him, I won’t take those exit ramps nearly as quickly, or if I do, I will realize the mistake and by God’s grace get back on the narrow road, which is the path to LIFE.