Perspective

I just wanted to comment on something I have spent a great deal of time thinking about. I realize that my journey is unique to me, and in my attempts to share where I have struggled, grown and changed, I do not wish to negate others' difficulties or challenges. I know that for some, a relationship with their father is unlikely, either due to their father passing away, or through a stubborn attitude unwilling to mend (or build) that relationship. My last post seemed fairly harsh towards my father, and it may have come across as 'Woe is Me" because my dad let me down as a child. I am thankful of the relationship we are building now and wanted you to know I am sensitive to the possiblility of it offending others. I commit to share candidly my journey, in hopes that there are some it does impact, encourage and challenge. Maybe someone can relate to me and will find encouragement to press on towards securing/recapturing their own masculinity.

Being Let Down... Part of My Own Journey

I was looking forward to a weekend with my Dad and a few of his friends. My bags were packed and I was ready to set out. What could be better than camping in the woods with a fire, steak, guns, and a couple of beers, right? So tell me why I left Sunday feeling empty and weighed down?

I don't think it's because I didn't have a great time... I don't think it's because I didn't enjoy hanging out with my dad... I don't think it's because I had paperwork waiting for me when I got home... I think I was reminded once again that I didn't fit the world's mold concerning manliness, and I left feeling discouraged.

In Gordon Dalbey's book, Healing the Masculine Soul (probably my all time-favorite and the most influential book of my life), he makes the claim that men bestow masculinity on other men. The father's role is so critical in his young son's life, and in homes where the father doesn't bestow this vital attribute on his son (either through physical or emotional absence), he leaves behind in the wake a displaced and broken son. Now, those sons can find ways to seek out masculinity and some have success, but it is a difficult road. Some overcompensate for their undeveloped or confused masculine identity, hiding the insecurities they bury inside. The truth is there is usually a wound there... This was me...

I physically had my father in my home, but for some reason, we didn't connect when I was growing up... or at least not in the masculine-bestowing, important ways. I guess I was a mama's boy - more emotional and creative, empathetic, always trying to befriend those who were outcasts, and trying to put an end to arguments or disputes. The truth is I was hurt. I searched for masculinity and found it foreign and in some ways undesirable. I tried to do things to make my dad proud of me... I tried hunting, fishing, golf, soccer, getting good grades... none of these things mended that relationship or brought me fulfillment or success. I have a lot of memories of feeling hurt and left out... one is still so vivid I still feel like that little kid...

I was probably 11, and we were at our family's cabin (not really a cabin, but we called it that). I grew up shooting .22 rifles at beer and soda cans, and that day I was going to shoot the big gun - my dad's .410 shotgun. I was bundled up in layers upon layers, wearing a big heavy coat... I was filled with anticipation. I was scared... but I wanted to be a man, and I wanted my dad to be proud of me. I pulled the trigger... the sound and the kick the gun produced really scared me... I started crying... my dad waved me off as if to say I was worthless, then turned around and walked away. I felt worthless... I felt like a failure... (hello core belief) I continued crying and ran inside to my mom... That is the only time I have ever shot a .410. It was only last year that I shot another shotgun, and I will be 29 this year.

I am still dealing with that loss today - and it is a loss.

About 10 years ago, after reading Dalbey's book, I felt I needed to confront my dad about his lack of involvement, and his failure to call me into manhood and instill confidence in me. I don't know how I ever did it, but I did. I also know how lucky I am that his response wasn't a right hook. We cried... and cried... and hugged, and that moment changed both my life and our relationship. My dad still at times doesn't understand how to call me into manhood, but he is more intentional about telling me how proud he is of me, and we really enjoy connecting by hanging out, working on cars, or sharing a beer or a cigar (all of which I tried in attempts to connect with him).

Fast forward to this weekend... everything was going fine, I was excited but also filled with emotion, as I was driving my granddad's car (he passed away a few months ago) to that same family cabin from the story above. I didn't know whether to laugh or cry... The day went well... we were assessing the cabin to see what needed to be done to fix it up, then we headed back to his friend's property a few hours away to spend the night. Everything was going great, I was really enjoying myself, but then things changed. The more my dad and his friends drank, the more vulgar and crude they got. They pulled out a deck of cards which exploited a different naked girl on each card... I was done. I went to bed. I put ear plugs in but I could still hear pretty much everything they said; I got out my phone and started up a white-noise app, pressing the phone up to my ear - this was how I slept. The next day, something just seemed different... My expectations had been shot to pieces (no pun intended).

When talking through this with a friend, he pointed out I may have subconsciously viewed this as a chance to redeem myself from my experience as an 11 year-old boy. In many ways I feel that I did kind of expect that. I wanted to fit in and be 'one of the guys' but I realized the man I keep trying to be isn't the man I am called to be. When I am not careful, I forget my dad is like me - wounded. Objectively, I can see he was just trying to fit in with his friends, after all this is how he 'did' manliness growing up. I am saddened and hurt for my dad at times like this.

I have edited and read through this countless times... talked about it with my wife and a close friend as I already mentioned. I am sensitive to the fact that this is pretty raw and the last thing I want to do is make my dad out to be the villain. He is NOT the villain. I love my dad and am thankful for all the wonderful things he has taught me. He has modeled honesty, integrity, abundant generosity, and a hard work ethic, to name a few. I know many others did not have their father at all, and to those guys, I hope that this post doesn't make me sound ungrateful that I did have my dad... As I mentioned before, my dad and I have addressed a lot of these things, and so I'm not going behind his back posting stuff about him out of vengeance or anything. I do, however, know that other men have similar experiences and this is my attempt at sharing a raw event which reminded me that when we expect perfection and fulfillment in anyone other than the GodMan, we will be let down.

Was Jesus Manly?

When you close your eyes and think of Jesus what image do you see? (Some may say it is wrong to try and picture Jesus, but personally I don't understand why He would have taken on flesh if it was sinful to try and imagine what he might have looked like.) I ask this question because Jesus is the God-Man, the epitome of deity made flesh. Isn't it right to assume we can look to the person of Jesus to find the truth about manhood and masculinity. Odds are that your image of Jesus doesn't come across as very masculine. Jesus is so misrepresented, it is unlikely many men want to look to the person of Jesus Christ on their journey into manhood. 

I did a Google image search for "Jesus", and got some very interesting results. Here are a few that I found - I feel overall they represent much of what is perceived of Jesus. Below each image, I am adding captions of the characteristics I see about Jesus physical appearance in the paintings.

feminine, flowing locks, rosy cheeks, blue eyes, clean, bored?

blonde hair, pale skin, short beard, blue eyes, European, peaceful, pensive

longing eyes, same weird beard and mustache, long flowing hair, intense, tired

less feminine, long hair and beard, European, bold, intense, caring, proud

angry, unapproachable, intense, still Caucasian

No painting has/can capture our Jesus, but images can certainly lead us astray on what we perceive Him to be. I was able to find (fairly easily) some videos I remember watching in college about the misperceptions of Jesus. It is actually several clips from various movies about Jesus but placed together in one longer video. The second one begins at 3:18, and an interesting part begins at 5:40. These are meant to be comical, but really convey some grave misconceptions about the man Jesus. 

Many people view Jesus as a Caucasian and feminine man, who floated around speaking softly, and rarely showing emotion. He would just reach out ever so calmly and heal someone, or peacefully confront the lack of faith in others... I am sure you could add so many misperceptions to this list.

 So who is Jesus? I think this question is so vital to your soul and mine. I do not think we can grow into the men God created us to be without answering that question. I am understanding that the answer to that question is part of this journey I am on now. 

I was pointed to a book by Philip Yancey entitled, The Jesus I Never Knew. I started reading it a few days ago, and I think it is really amazing. I hope to chronicle a few things I learn from the book as I progress through it. 

We can craft and shape Jesus into the image we want Him to be, or we can look to His Word, primarily the Gospels to see more of Him. Let us not bypass this part of the journey, but take the effort to see what the inspired Word claims about this Jesus. 

The Battle In My Mind

Despite what you may have thought after reading the title of this post, this entry is not talking about purity or keeping my mind out of the gutter. There is a different battle that occurs in our minds - a battle of epic proportions. What I have been learning over the past year and a half or so, is that all our actions (and many of our thoughts) are driven by a few specific beliefs. These beliefs are aptly named 'core beliefs' and they dictate the way we 'do life'. These suckers are VERY powerful. Why are they so powerful you ask? Simply because you probably aren't aware they exist. When you don't know they exist, then you are in a battle you don't even know about.

picture taken from an article on social-brain.com

This image I found online offered a glimpse into this principle. Unarmed, and unprepared, we face a vicious enemy who enjoys it when we succumb to his lies. Let's face it, when it comes to our thought lives, we are typically passive, not active. I mean, how often do we think about our thoughts - really stop and think, "where did that come from?", or "is that really true?".

I am sure I will write more about men as warriors, but for now suffice it to say we are not bystanders - bystanders are passive. We are called to action. 2 Corinthians 10:4-5 make this clear: "For the weapons of our warfare are not of the flesh but have divine power to destroy strongholds. We destroy arguments and every lofty opinion raised against the knowledge of God, and take every thought captive to obey Christ..."  The two phrases that really stick out to me in this passage are, "have divine power to destroy arguments" and "take every thought captive to obey Christ" - these don't happen when we are oblivious to the battle... they don't happen if we are passive. 

I have been going to counseling for the past few months, and come to realize I was oblivious to this battle taking place in my mind. It has crippled me from living the life I was created to live. It  has hindered my relationships with my friends, my family, my wife, my colleagues, has limited my ability to succeed in my job, has stifled my spiritual growth, and has left me feeling lonely and useless. I have felt I needed to see a counselor for a few years, and have resisted going. I feel that the Lord has been preparing me for this very time, and is bringing about a big change in my life. The change starts in my mind. Recognizing the core beliefs that drive my actions was the first step. Exposing the lies that are hurled at me is taking an active role in this battle. When I am unaware of what is taking place, I am passive in my thought life, and am struck down, strung along, tossed about... When I engage in the battle, I still lose sometimes. But there is no victory for the daydreaming warrior.

When I am aware of the battle and take an active role, I begin to fight like the man I am called to be. We men are called to action, called to take the gospel seriously in our lives, called to lead our families. We are called to 'take every thought captive' and submit it to the Truth of the Gospel.

So, what do I do? Start by asking yourself, "What is the message that is ruling my life"? What do you believe about yourself that shapes your actions and emotions. A good place to start is reflecting on situations, comments, or circumstances that elicit a strong emotional response. Guilt, anger, fear, disappointment - these emotions may be the starting place to look deeper and determine what those core beliefs are.

One of my main core beliefs is that I am a failure, and when something doesn't go how I think it should or I expected it to, I often respond feeling guilty and ready to throw in the towel. This plays out in so many ways (follow up post?) but one example could be the never-ending list of house projects I have to get done. Lets say I have to patch the drywall in our semi-finished attic, and it takes longer than I anticipate. Even though I may have spent hours working on it, and have 5 of the 7 (hypothetical) steps done on the project, I leave feeling like a failure because I set out to finish something that is unfinished. This results in frustration and feelings of failure, and reinforces the core belief that I am, in fact, a failure. Am I a failure? No! I got 5 steps done and worked hard for hours... Thus the active role I have in disputing the thinking error, works to destroy the core belief and expose it for what it is - a lie...

As you search to see what your core beliefs may be, pray and ask the Lord to show you what you believe about yourself that rules your emotions, your actions, your beliefs. Take your thoughts captive and examine them for truth...