The Friendless Male - Addendum

I have been thinking a lot about my post yesterday and realize I missed, or didn't put enough emphasis on one facet of my claim... I wanted to be clear that not every male relationship in our lives as men need to be deep or emotional. We NEED the other kind of relationships too; sometimes we need to just talk about our new favorite movie, or our new cell phone, or the funny YouTube video we saw today. If every conversation we had with other guys was deep, we would be exhausted. What I meant to emphasize was that we need MEN in our life to challenge us, to share our life experiences, and to walk alongside us on this journey. As my wife would say, we need balance in our lives.

The Friendless Male

When I think back to college, one thing always floods my mind, and leaves me longing for those brief, but life-changing years in my life - so many meaningful male friendships. Maybe it's just me, but I think I am correct in assuming that the relationships we build in college are unlike any others for the rest of our lives. I lived on campus for all four years of my undergraduate degree (which I know is unique compared to some), but one thing I remember was always having access to other guys at any time, day or night. If I had something that was bothering me, or something incredible to share, I had dozens of different men in my life to share it with. Well, college is over, and while I have a handful of those guys that I keep in touch with, for the most part things are drastically different in my life.

For me, these friendships were some of the first meaningful male relationships I had in my life. The truth is, I wonder why it is so hard for men in our country to develop these lasting friendships. Somewhere we as culture have detoured from what I believe we were intended to experience - camaraderie. Does this word resonate in your soul as it does mine? Do you wish you experienced it in your own life, and ever find yourself feeling frustrated and empty?

When I hear that word, camaraderie, I immediately associate it with the military. Not being in the military myself, I assume that it begins as a naturally occurring phenomenon when men are banded together and forced to trust and rely on each other through the worst of experiences. More than this however, friendships naturally build for some which reinforce and flesh it out. My grandfather was in the Air Force during the Korean War, and I have heard and treasure some of his stories of those experiences.
This picture to the right was taken of him and one of his buddies during that time (he is on the right in the picture) and I have a copy sitting on the desk in the entryway to my home. It says to me - honor, courage, dedication, manliness.

So what if we aren't in the military? Can we expect to have camaraderie in our lives? Is it important? I think yes it is vitally important and we must find a way to build it into our lives or we lack an important part of who we were designed to be.


There are a number of Hurdles we face as we try to develop meaningful male relationships in our lives. Maybe you have experienced one or all of these in your interactions with other guys:

Hurdle #1: Lack of interest from others. Some guys are content to never go deeper than what's going on at work or whether you caught last week's game on tv. It could be that to them this truly is meaningful conversation (more concrete thinkers). The truth is, that a lot of men don't think male friendships are important and therefore don't make them a priority.

Hurdle #2: Insecurities. I think a good majority of men are afraid of having an 'emotional' conversation with another guy... "it just isn't right, it might make me look feminine". Fear drives these men to isolation and shallow relationships.

Hurdle #3: Lack of guys in our social circles. As I mentioned above, college provided a very unique environment where guys were placed/forced together in a dorm. After college, between the wife, kids, and extended family, a lot of men don't interact with many guys outside of their job. When they do, there are likely very few avenues in those situations to develop friendships/relationships. Couple the lack of manly interaction with Hurdles 1 or 2, and the odds of developing these relationships are even less likely.

Hurdle #4: Lack of example in other men's lives. How many people can say that their fathers, brothers, or other men in their lives experience true camaraderie with other men? Maybe men just don't pursue these relationships because they don't know the benefit of them.

Biblically, we have examples of friendships between men: David and Jonathan, Jesus and Lazarus, Jesus and His disciples (but especially Peter, James and John), Paul and Barnabas/Silas/Timothy. Someone said to me once (don't know how true it is, but it is an intriguing thought) that God's statement regarding Adam in the Garden of Eden, "it is not good that man should be alone" wasn't just referring to or resolved by his relationship with Eve; Adam was created with a need for fellowship - both with God and with other created beings.

It is in fellowship with other men that we are able to really live the Christian life - we are encouraged to bear one another's burdens, exhort one another to good works, call out sin in each other's lives, pray for one another, and serve one another among other things. How are we able to do this when we just talk about work or the latest sporting event? Compared to our culture's standards, this list doesn't seem very 'masculine' and sounds fairly emotional. Hmm... you decide.

The 'Narrow Little Road' to an Identity

Our pastor today was talking about the “narrow little road” which leads to life, and how easy it is to take the exit ramp off that road pursuing any number of distractions. These distractions can be our feelings (searching for happiness or pleasure can lead us off the narrow road), dreams, ideas, relationships or even our identity. I admit that I am easily distracted by these things and often look up and wonder, “How did I get here”? When I considered starting this blog, I looked around at other ‘manly’ blogs to get some ideas and to see if there was anything like what I was picturing for my own blog. I quickly found a number of sites that indicated in cleverly designed fonts and illustrations what it took to be a man. I was hooked… I wanted to read more… what does it take to be a man? I realized quickly this time (thankfully) that I won’t find what it means to be a man on any site that doesn’t point me to the person of Jesus Christ. It is in Him I find my purpose and identity.

It has taken me a long time to understand what that means… I have spent so long feeling guilty for not fitting in the manly ‘mold’, thinking something must be wrong with me. Sure, I like to use power tools, shoot my handgun, go camping, make love to my wife, smoke an occasional cigar and enjoy a good beer, but somehow all that is empty; those things don’t make me a man, although they seem to have inherent manly value. The other things I enjoy, art, music, knitting, baking, reading, deep discussions, and a good hug don’t convey the idea, “I’m a man” - herein lies the crux of the problem – I don’t fit a mold. Does this mean I am not a man? Does this mean I am crippled as I go through life lost, and defeated? For a long time I thought the answer to that was “yes”.

I am learning that my identity can’t be found in those things, but must be grounded in the Truth. Jesus claimed He was THE way, THE truth, and THE life.  Being grounded in Him and His plan/rules for my life is where I need to be. When I am grounded in Him, I won’t take those exit ramps nearly as quickly, or if I do, I will realize the mistake and by God’s grace get back on the narrow road, which is the path to LIFE.